Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Awkward Times Call for Awkward Conversations


( If you are a man, you might want to go ahead and skip this post.)



Vaginal exam.


There, that probably cleared the blog of any stray males!


If you are a woman, chances are pretty good that you’ve had one.

If you are pregnant, you get the distinct honor of getting your business checked out on a regular basis. 

And if you’ve ever been far enough pregnant to have your cervix checked…well.. it’s taking the exam to a whole new, much more intimate, up-to-your-forearm kind of level.


So, besides the obvious, here is my problem with vaginal exams.

It’s not like the doctor walks in and goes straight at you.

No, there’s some conversation, question and answer time…foreplay, if you will.

Therefore, when it comes time for the exam, I am usually in the let’s-chat-and-be-best-friends kind of groove.


So, here’s my question:

When the actual exam begins…do you:

a) Stop talking and continue the exam in silence? 


b) Continue talking as if nothing is happening? (even though you both know that something is.  Something really, really is.)

And…what if you are in the middle of a sentence?  Should you stop what you are saying and wait in silence for her to be done?  And then do you pick back up again where you left off?


I usually shoot for option b). 

Although, for me, it is more like I begin a string of awkward babbling that continues throughout the exam. 

As if to say, “This is normal.  Everything is normal.  Nothing awkward here!” 


Here is how my last exam-time-conversation went down:

(Keep in mind that my voice raises in pitch, and increases to about twice it’s normal speed.  Oh, and insert lots of awkward giggles.  That’ how I roll.)


Me:  “So, do you have any kids?”  (I hadn’t seen this nurse practitioner before.)

Nurse:  “Yes, one daughter.”

Me:  “Oh, How NIIICCCEE!!” (Is it?  Is it reeaaally?)  “What’s her name?”

Nurse:  “Addison.”

Me:  “Oh, I LOOOOOOOVE that name!  How cool, and kind of unusual!”

Nurse:  “Actually, it’s really popular now.  We didn’t know that when we named her.”

Me:  “Really?  Haha.  Yeah, who knew???!!!!!!  Growing up, I didn’t know many Caitlins, but now the name is everywhere and it’s no big deal to me, so I bet that she won’t mind very much…haha……”

Nurse:  “I have actually never met a Caitlin spelled like your name.  Usually, I see Katelyn.  Is yours an original spelling?”

(Does this mean that she suspects that perhaps my parents made it up?)

Me:  “Well, Caitlin is the original Gaelic spelling.  It is actually Gaelic for Catherine, which is my mom’s twin sister’s name, so it is kind of like being named after her…haha”

(At this point, we are right in the thick of the exam, so clearly I cannot stop talking…)

…and my parents saw the name on a show called Air Wolf, and they really liked it.  And they didn’t know any other way to spell it.  Plus my sisters names start with C…..”

(Continue babbling for several minutes during which time I tell her my entire life story.)

Nurse:  “Seems like you probably had to spell it A LOT!!! That must have been frustrating.”

Me:  “Haha.  Yeah, a little.  In fact I have a blog…”

(Babble, babble, babble.)

Me: “But, Addison.  I like that!!  Kind of like Maddison, without the M!”

Nurse:  “Actually, we spell it Adisynnn.”

Silence.  Dreaded Silence.

She was giving me a hard time about how MY name was spelled?

I do some approving nodding, and a little more awkward laughter for good measure.

Me:  “Well, it is always fun to stand out in a crowd!  She will be different from all of those other Addisons, that’s for sure…hahaha…”


And, scene.


Maybe next month, I can tell her the story of how my parents met. 

And how I met Brian. 

And all of my teachers’ names starting from Kindergarten.



Ter said...

i seriously laughed and snorted and nearly sneezed reading your post. Luckily I had just gone to the bathroom so no need for depends.

septembermom said...

You are making me laugh so much here as I eat my breakfast! I give you credit for having a conversation during the exam. That is probably one of the only times where I tend to be silent :)

Jen said...

LOL! I never know what to do either and usually end up doing the same thing.

Nina said...

You are so funny! I am silent as a mouse when I have my exams. You could here a cricket in the room when I go. But my doctor always goes right to the exam and then does the questions after the exam.

Jenners said...

You are just so funny!!! I talk awkwardly too if it makes you feel better ... but I bet it doesn't. And what the hell is that lady thinking -- the spelling of her daughter's name is RIDICULOUS! Just like the newscaster around here named "Jennifer" but she spells it "Jennyphr." Annoying!

Maureen said...

YOU crack me up Caitlin! Yeah, awkward conversation during the exam is what I did, too, only it was with a male doctor! You do whatever makes you gets you through the easiest, and way to go to not tell her how nuts her daughters name spelling is!

~~Mel~~ said...

I opt for silence...but in reality that probably makes it even *more* awkward! lol.

blueviolet said...

I go for the talking too but I usually turn high pitched for a second when the finger hits the lower hole-iage.